Using memes to introduce tough topics
Other people just don't seem to "get it." In fact, the advice they seem to offer so freely can irritate you or make you downright angry. NO, RELAXING DOESN'T HELP. BUT THANKS FOR YOUR FREE ADVICE. And as it turns out, certain sex positions don't actually make a difference. I don't want your list of herbs or oils. Your advice isn't helpful. An empathetic listening ear, however - that I'll go for any day.
Sex is supposed to be fun! Your friends don't want to hear about that, though... right? I've definitely called my husband on a Tuesday at 10:27 shouting, "Come home right now! My temperature is finally right! It's probably now or never! I don't care how busy you are - COME HOME FOR SEX RIGHT NOW!" That doesn't exactly mirror my friends' sex lives. (Or does it? I guess we don't really know since so many of us keep silent about it.) Yeah, it's hard to share about that when sex isn't really sexy anymore.
Not only is the "advice" you are freely offered usually unhelpful, it can be absolutely insensitive. I've heard this more times than I can count. Another thing about secondary infertility that bothers me is when strangers or acquaintances ask me when I'm having another. I used to make excuses, but now I tell them - yes, even strangers in line at McDonalds - "I suffer from secondary infertility. We did medical treatments for a long time. It took a toll on my body, so we decided to stop treatment. We will probably not be having any more children." I almost always get an awkward look, but I'm okay with that. I've gotten to where I finally don't say it with anger or condemnation, but just as a simple fact. I like to see it as an important piece of educating the public.
Also, if you talk about infertility with people, you end up talking a lot about body parts. "Ovaries," "uterus," or "sperm" could take up a lot of the conversation, and those aren't words that are necessarily welcomed at lunch. When I want to talk with my friends about what I'm going through, I do a quick sweep of the room to see who's listening before I mention my period or hormone treatments or ovulation testing. And I have to know my friends well. Some of them simply aren't comfortable with those topics. If you can't talk to a friend about something so intimate, it makes the infertility journey a lot more lonely.
Now, to be a little more serious...
It's hard to talk about loss. And infertility causes a whole lot of losses. These aren't the kinds of losses that people consider "normal" or "typical." Society doesn't openly talk about these losses. Many times, we stay silent because we don't know how to talk about these losses.
Some of the losses that come with infertility are:
If any of this resonates with you, I HIGHLY recommend that you read Unsung Lullabies. There's a link to it on the "What to Read" page in this mosaic. I'd also encourage you to continue exploring this mosaic and read the "Dreams Deferred" and "Writing a New Future Story" sections. Reach out to your family, friends, pastor, or therapist. If your friends don't know what to say, send them to the "How to Start a Conversation" section in this mosaic.
Above all, remember, you aren't alone in this. These losses, while uncomfortable, are common for those of us who have suffered with infertility. If you like, feel free to drop me a line in the "Contact" section of this mosaic.
These losses don't define you. There are people who are willing to listen and understand. You don't have to stay silent forever.
Some of the losses that come with infertility are:
- The loss of pregnancy and birth. Both partners lose the chance to experience a pregnancy, to feel a baby kicking, to see a sonogram picture. Both partners lose the ability to birth a child, and all the mess and beauty that comes along with it.
- The loss of knowing where we belong. Where do we fit in with our family and friends? Where do we fit in with society?
- The loss of joy. It's harder to enjoy things like holidays and special occasions. Infertility can be a looming black cloud. We don't want to avoid these celebrations, but we don't want to avoid them either. We don't know how to handle them.
- The loss of body control. Our bodies don't function the way we think they should, or the way society thinks they should. We give up control of our bodies to medical testing, procedures, and treatments. Our bodies feel like they aren't ours anymore.
- The loss of feeling healthy and normal. We're constantly going to the doctor. The doctor is for sick people, isn't it? We abandon all sorts of our own dignity in so many of these doctors' visits.
- The loss of feeling competent. I can't even make a baby; that's the most basic thing! What's wrong with me? I don't feel whole anymore. I don't feel worthy.
- The loss of sexual intimacy. Sex isn't exactly sexy when you base it on your temperature, results of your ovulation predictor kit, or your schedule. Sex becomes less about loving your partner and more about science. Add in hormone therapy to that, and you generally feel less lovable.
- The loss of sexual identity. If I can't even get pregnant, am I even a woman? If I can't even get her pregnant, am I even a man? What is my body worth anymore?
- The loss of sexual privacy. Specimen cups. Sterile exam rooms. Gloved hands in all kinds of places you don't want them to be.
- The loss of sense of self. All these other losses can make us lose our sense of who we are. We question our own value.
If any of this resonates with you, I HIGHLY recommend that you read Unsung Lullabies. There's a link to it on the "What to Read" page in this mosaic. I'd also encourage you to continue exploring this mosaic and read the "Dreams Deferred" and "Writing a New Future Story" sections. Reach out to your family, friends, pastor, or therapist. If your friends don't know what to say, send them to the "How to Start a Conversation" section in this mosaic.
Above all, remember, you aren't alone in this. These losses, while uncomfortable, are common for those of us who have suffered with infertility. If you like, feel free to drop me a line in the "Contact" section of this mosaic.
These losses don't define you. There are people who are willing to listen and understand. You don't have to stay silent forever.