Dear Friends and Family,
I'm assuming you're here because you have a friend who's dealing with infertility. And let me say, I'm really glad you're here. Your friend is too.
It can be very lonely on this infertility journey. So many times, we want to talk about it, share our stories, blow off some steam. But lots of times, we feel like we can't. Maybe we're afraid of being judged. Maybe we don't want to be seen as the "needy" friend. Maybe we don't want to let down our protective walls, showing that our lives really aren't all that perfect. Maybe we're nervous about talking about body parts and fluids.
And since you're a good friend, you know that it's hard for us. And you love us and care about us! (And we're thankful for that, by the way.) But you may be wondering, "What the heck do I say? How do I even start?"
Don't worry. You're not alone. Sometimes we feel like we are because a lot of people feel that way.
I'm here to help.
It can be very lonely on this infertility journey. So many times, we want to talk about it, share our stories, blow off some steam. But lots of times, we feel like we can't. Maybe we're afraid of being judged. Maybe we don't want to be seen as the "needy" friend. Maybe we don't want to let down our protective walls, showing that our lives really aren't all that perfect. Maybe we're nervous about talking about body parts and fluids.
And since you're a good friend, you know that it's hard for us. And you love us and care about us! (And we're thankful for that, by the way.) But you may be wondering, "What the heck do I say? How do I even start?"
Don't worry. You're not alone. Sometimes we feel like we are because a lot of people feel that way.
I'm here to help.
I feel bad that they don't have kids, so I try not to talk about mine.
On one level, this makes sense. You don't want to appear insensitive. We can appreciate that.
But please know - it's okay for you to talk about your kids. They are a part of your life, and we love you and your life! In this case, treat us like any other friend. Tell us that weird thing your kid does when he gets up in the morning. Tell us that gross bathroom story. Tell us the precious thing your kid said at bedtime. Yeah, it might make us sad. But we love you, and we want to feel like we're normal, like we're still included. Please continue to include us.
But please know - it's okay for you to talk about your kids. They are a part of your life, and we love you and your life! In this case, treat us like any other friend. Tell us that weird thing your kid does when he gets up in the morning. Tell us that gross bathroom story. Tell us the precious thing your kid said at bedtime. Yeah, it might make us sad. But we love you, and we want to feel like we're normal, like we're still included. Please continue to include us.
I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I don't say anything about it.
Listen, lots of people have said the wrong thing - trust us. It's happened. Maybe you don't have to say anything in particular. Give us hugs, take us out for coffee or for lunch, send us a text that says, "I know it's hard. I'm thinking about you."
We don't want to feel like our infertility is the elephant in the room. If you know about it, it's because we love you enough to tell you about it. Sometimes, we need to talk to someone about it. If you never mention it again, we feel like it's not safe to talk to you.
One of the best things my friends ever did for me was give me space to talk. I mentioned it during Bible study with some girlfriends, then I fell silent because I didn't want to bum everybody out or be the weird friend. After some uncomfortable silence, one of my friends said, "You can talk about it... if you want. We're here to listen." Y'all, these were my FERTILE MYRTLE FRIENDS. They were having all the babies, all the time. They didn't know what to say, but they invited me to share. They made themselves available to listen.
So maybe it's not what you say. Maybe it's all about what you ask.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"How are you doing?"
"Want to go do something fun together?"
"Want to break stuff and then go eat ice cream?"
If you don't know what to say, try asking something instead.
(Still worried about saying the wrong thing? Read up on other suggestions here at Austin Moms Blog.)
We don't want to feel like our infertility is the elephant in the room. If you know about it, it's because we love you enough to tell you about it. Sometimes, we need to talk to someone about it. If you never mention it again, we feel like it's not safe to talk to you.
One of the best things my friends ever did for me was give me space to talk. I mentioned it during Bible study with some girlfriends, then I fell silent because I didn't want to bum everybody out or be the weird friend. After some uncomfortable silence, one of my friends said, "You can talk about it... if you want. We're here to listen." Y'all, these were my FERTILE MYRTLE FRIENDS. They were having all the babies, all the time. They didn't know what to say, but they invited me to share. They made themselves available to listen.
So maybe it's not what you say. Maybe it's all about what you ask.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"How are you doing?"
"Want to go do something fun together?"
"Want to break stuff and then go eat ice cream?"
If you don't know what to say, try asking something instead.
(Still worried about saying the wrong thing? Read up on other suggestions here at Austin Moms Blog.)
I'm uncomfortable with tears.
We probably are too. At least, the amount of tears we have cried can certainly be classified as "uncomfortable." Remind us that you love us, that you are there for us, and be forewarned - we might shed some tears. Give us a hug. And a tissue. That may not seem like much to you, but it will mean the world to us.
I want to be a supportive friend. How do I start?
Call us up. Tell us why you're calling.
"Hey, I know dealing with infertility (or IVF, or hormone treatments, or the adoption process, whatever) has been hard for you. I'd love to hear more about it and just be present with you. Can I take you to lunch?"
We might breathe a sigh of relief that someone's finally asked us. We might scream, "Oh my gosh, yes please I would love to go to lunch and I've missed you and I'm so glad someone's finally asked me about it and can we go grab pizza?" (whew)
Or we might say no. "No, we're not quite ready yet. But thank you for asking."
If that's the case, please be patient with us. Give us some time. Then ask again.
Just ask. And don't stop asking. We'll love you even more for it.
*I'm thankful for the friends who said this to me. And later, I was blessed to be able to say the same things to another friend.
"Hey, I know dealing with infertility (or IVF, or hormone treatments, or the adoption process, whatever) has been hard for you. I'd love to hear more about it and just be present with you. Can I take you to lunch?"
We might breathe a sigh of relief that someone's finally asked us. We might scream, "Oh my gosh, yes please I would love to go to lunch and I've missed you and I'm so glad someone's finally asked me about it and can we go grab pizza?" (whew)
Or we might say no. "No, we're not quite ready yet. But thank you for asking."
If that's the case, please be patient with us. Give us some time. Then ask again.
Just ask. And don't stop asking. We'll love you even more for it.
*I'm thankful for the friends who said this to me. And later, I was blessed to be able to say the same things to another friend.
I still feel like I need to know more...
That's awesome! Explore the rest of this site. There's lots of information here. Facts about infertility, things not to say to your friends, ways to help them find hope in the world, ways to walk alongside them as they grieve. Learn a little more before you call if you think you need it. But please, remember to call us. We need you. And we're thankful for you.
Want to start with a card?
This card, from Emily McDowell Studios, is great. Click the card to check this one out and browse all of her amazing designs. They're helpful to start a conversation with a friend, especially when you just don't know what to say.